On finally finishing a race at the distance I signed up for - GOATZ 2019

Yesterday I started my 5th 50k of the year...or, wait, make that my 7th....

January - Frozen Gnome (DNF, did 3 of 5 loops, 19 miles)
March - Clinton Lake (DNF, 1 of 3 loops, 9 miles)
April - Ozark Foothills (FINISHED!!!  DFL but finished - 11:30:09)
May - Ice Age Trail (FINISHED!!!  NOT DFL! - 8:56:55)
July - Psycho Psummer (DNF, dropped to 20-miler, 2 of 3 loops)
September - Barkley Fall Classic (DNF, approximately 21 miles)
October - GOATZ Trail Run (FINISHED!!!  DFL but finished - 8:30:05)

Initially for 2019 I signed up for the 50k Mashup Series - run 5 of 7 50ks in the Midwest/Plains in a year.
But then I got into the Barkley Fall Classic and I wasn't sure exactly WHAT I'd end up doing...

As it turns out, I'm pretty sure it was all just too much too soon.  And I'm sure for most people, this would be like, DUH!  Uh, yeah.  How did you think you'd manage this, having hardly done any trail running...and only completing ONE marathon...

So, yeah.  Talk about setting oneself up for failure.  And, of course, I did.  Fail, that is.

I am not going to complete the 50k Mashup series, even if I finish the final race in the series in a little less than 2 weeks.  And I *totally* failed at the Barkley Fall Classic.

This doesn't even include 2 other races where I dropped down to a shorter distance than what I signed up for....

So, yeah.  Fun times.

I like to say that I don't care about my DNF's, that I don't care how slow I am, that I just want to be out there and try...no matter what the result.

Well.  The truth is...I may care more than I think .... a few weeks ago when I did the Kearney Trail Run - just a little 5k, that overall I should have been happy about - did well considering, but of course I was one of the last ones...not THE last, though...but...why?  Why am I not faster?  I feel like I've been running long enough that I should have improved some by now...and I almost feel like I'm going backwards...especially compared to last year at this time...my marathon training last year was solid, and I was in much better shape due to more consistent cross-training in the form of TRX.

Anyways, I'm only sharing all of this to set up my thoughts on yesterday - the GOATZ Trail Run.

Where, yes, I finally finished another 50k!!  And, yes, I was, once again DFL (dead fucking last)...but, at least this time I got an award for it! :)

And, I admit, knowing they had this award WAS a motivating factor...I was thinking of dropping down to the 20-miler but then saw the picture of the award posted on Facebook....and I thought, I WANT THAT!  So, I didn't drop.  I would go and attempt my 7th 50k of the year...and if I could finish within the time limit, there'd be a good chance I'd get a really cool award for it!

At packet pickup (after getting lost because I put in the wrong address and ended up in a nice little neighborhood nearby!) I learned there were quite a few first-timers for the 50k.  I also realized I'd forgotten my soft flask (I like to run with Tailwind in the bladder/hydration pack, but an additional bottle with just plain water)....one of the volunteers suggested I check out Sierra Trading, so I went there...found something that I thought would work, but also picked up a few random things, like Cocomel's Coconut Milk Caramels!   I would carry a few of these with me during the race and ended up eating a couple...it was a nice little burst of sugar!

Getting to the hotel was fine, but once there, made the mistake of putting my cooler on top of my suitcase to carry it in.  Let it sit while I pulled out other things from the back of the car...and of course, the cooler and suitcase toppled over...and one of my bottles of cider broke all over!  Ugh.  Glass.  Cider.  Not fun.  Turns out it wasn't the only thing I'd break - the next morning I dropped my face cleanser bottle on the floor and it, too, broke.  WTH?  What was with all the breaking glass?

Anyways, once all settled into the hotel, I ate what I brought, including having a hard cider...played games on my phone until I needed to call it a night....slept reasonably well except for waking up around 2am to loud people in the hallway (what is it with people in hotels?  Do they not realize there are other people there, and that if you are in the hallway, the noise totally carries right into each room???)

The next morning, I got up early, had my smoothie and played games again until I needed to get ready....I ended up being a little later than I wanted, but got there with no problem and plenty of time to witness the sunrise....

Sunrise - heading down to race start from where we were parked.

Sunrise from the race start area

The GOATZ race has Runner Church and I listened and though I can't sit here and repeat exactly what was said...I think it helped set a great mindset for the day, for the race...

Runner Church

Race start/finish area

Me, before the race, beautiful sunrise!

After one more trip to the porta-potties, I lined up and waited....

We started off at 8am...I knew I had to get each loop done in 3 hours or less to make the cutoff.  I knew that the overall pace I'd have to keep was 17:14min/mile...and I knew that I could finish if I didn't give up....

I have to say that this was probably the "easiest" of the 50ks I've attempted this year - though I put "easy" in quotes, because I don't think ANY trail run is EASY.  I really believe running trails is harder than running on pavement, and it works your muscles in totally different ways...but, this did seem a little less "hilly" and definitely had some really runnable sections, and lacked the super-technical terrain of some other races.  The most difficult challenge of the day was the mud - and one section that was muddy AND wet, so once every loop you most likely were going to end up with wet shoes/socks...

But the mud didn't faze me, really.  I'd run in much worse, and pretty sure Ozark Foothills had actual water crossings...the terrain, while runnable, was still uneven and it worked my ankles, legs, knees, and feet...each lap something different would start to hurt!

Even though I brought shoes and socks to change into after each loop...I never did.  Once again, I never once even opened the (too) big backpack that I tend to use as my drop bag (at everything except Barkley, of course!)

I hardly even ate the things I brought, and instead relied on the aid stations - alternating pickles with something carb-y like bread w/peanut butter/jelly or tortillas with peanut butter...I may have grabbed a few potatoes and dipped them in salt, and also some orange slices....

Overall, I was feeling pretty good, and the first loop I was really close to 15-minute miles the whole time, which was good, because I was banking a little time...

I definitely slowed down on the second loop, but still finished it with over 3 hours left...as I came into the start/finish area, I saw a woman that I'd seen earlier and decided that if she was continuing, I would continue, too....at this rate, I just had to keep a 20-minute-mile pace and I'd finish under the cutoff.

I caught up to the woman (Lori) and we talked and kept a good pace until the halfway point aid station.  I wasn't worried about making the cutoff but she took off wanting to make sure she'd finish (it was her first 50k!) . . .so I left the aid station alone, and pretty sure I was last...but confident I'd be finishing, AND, if I kept the pace...would finish with more than just a few minutes to spare!

Those last miles were tough, I'm not going to lie.  My legs, ankles, everything was pretty sore.  But, the pain had changed from the last loop so I just kept going...it was going to be over soon no matter what and the sooner I got to the finish the sooner I could get home and relax!!

The course was very...meandering...in that it would sort of circle back and around and...there were times in those last miles I saw the two women ahead of me...it was actually nice to see people out there at that point..usually I see no one this late in a race...it reminded me I wasn't alone, I wasn't the only one still out there, and eventually, we'd all cross the finish line.

About a mile/half mile from the end, one of the race people (I should know their name) came up and hiked with me until the very last stretch .... I did "run it in" and missed the 8-1/2 hour mark by seconds - finishing with an official time of 8:30:05.

AND I GOT MY DFL AWARD!!!!!!  I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS!  I really *NEEDED* a finish.  This year didn't go as planned, and finishing this race - last year at this race I said I'd be running 3 loops in 2019 and ... I did!

Me with the race director and my DFL award!  I'm actually much happier at this moment than I look!

Me, with award, at the GOATZ sign

Not only did I get the DFL Award, but all finishers received this awesome "medal"!

I know I can do 30+ miles.  I know I can train better and I will get faster.  But, I have to be consistent.  I have to cross-train.  I have to NOT GIVE UP in a race.  I know I've done that this year.  I know I did that at BFC.  So, we'll see if I can keep going, and next year for GOATZ 2020, my goal is to NOT BE LAST! :)

Sunset on the drive home (York, NE)

On attempting BFC 2019

So, I should probably write about my experience at the Barkley Fall Classic before too much time passes that I forget some of the finer details and observations, but....I feel like I'm still digesting it all, and especially about how I actually FEEL about it...but...here goes.

About a year ago, I was less than a week away from my first ever road marathon.  I was pretty well trained, had done almost all my runs, had even done some cross-training in the form of TRX.  I felt very READY for that race.  I was excited because my boyfriend would be driving out to where I lived, and we would be making the trip to Missouri together.  And, my mom and sister would be there, too.  At the end of the day (and the end of that race), I felt pretty damn good and the fact they were all there REALLY made a difference.

But, even at that point I had already moved on to bigger plans - I believe I'd signed up for the 50K Mashup series, and had the Frozen Gnome race on my calendar.  And, I knew that when the Barkley Fall Classic lottery registration opened, I'd be signing up.

On October 1, 2018, I, along with over 1000? other people registered for the BFC - 2019 edition.  I was still in Missouri, hadn't even made it home from my marathon yet (marathon was Sept. 30)

I, however, did NOT make the initial cut.  It is basically a lottery - everyone who signed up that first day was put into a spreadsheet and Laz through random-number-generator or just his choice, selected the initial field of 500.

I went on with my plans.   I did the GOATZ 20-miler in October.  I did Beer & Bagel in November.  I probably signed up for a few more races along the way.

And then, the same day I tweaked my knee somehow, still don't know how, December 17, 2018 - I received THE EMAIL.  Yes, the one that said:

Congratulations you have been selected to participate in the 2019 The Barkley Fall Classic - 50K!

However, we need your confirmation.

Please use the link below to confirm OR decline your entry. You must respond immediately!

Without even a moment's hesitation (okay, maybe there was ONE moment), I clicked "ACCEPT" or whatever it said.  I honestly don't remember, I just know one was GREEN and one was RED.

Afterwards, I thought, what the hell did I just do?????

But, it was done.  I started to think about how I would prepare.  I had books already, but may have added one or two more about training for your first ultra.  I started reading, started looking at training plans.

Winter came.  I'm not a fan of winter.  I struggled to get runs in, struggled with motivation.  In January 2019, I attempted my first ultra, my first 50k - Frozen Gnome in Crystal Lake, Illinois.  I feel I did pretty well - I DNF'd after 3 of 5 loops, though.  The conditions started out pretty good, but as snow fell during my third loop I knew I wasn't going to make the time cutoff.  I liked this race, though, and am signed up for 2020 determined to finish all 5 loops this time!

After that race, I decided I needed to hire a coach if I had any hope of preparing properly for the Barkley Fall Classic, along with all the other races on my calendar.  Even though I was EXTREMELY proud of the fact that I'd done well at my marathon after doing all the training on my own, I was, even at that point, starting to struggle with focus and motivation.  I hate winter.  I blamed a lot of my lack of motivation early in the year on winter - or, well, SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) but truthfully it lasted well into spring...even summer. So, I thought a coach would help.

It did.  For awhile.  But I still struggled to force myself to do the workouts.  I found a lot of value in the different types of workouts, and I especially liked the strength workouts given because I could do them all at home.  But, at the end of the day, NO coach can force you to do the workouts if you don't WANT to do them - and often, I didn't want to.

That's not to say I didn't have a few good weeks - maybe even a month or so of awesome motivated training.  But, it didn't last.  

While there may have been other factors, I DNF'd another 50k attempt in March.  Technically, I didn't even HAVE to finish because my training called for much fewer miles than a 50k, but I only finished one loop, about 9 miles, and not even the distance I was supposed to run that day for my training plan.  I absolutely did NOT want to be out running that day and nothing could change that.

The next big race on my calendar was the Ozark Foothills 50k at the beginning of April.  I was ready for this one and determined it would be my first ULTRA FINISH!  So, there was a little peak of motivation and inspiration to get something done.  It had the longest time limit of any of the races I'd signed up for (probably due to the 50-miler happening at the same time).

And, finish it, I did!  My first ULTRA finish!  I was DFL (dead f^cking last), and it took me 11-1/2 hours...but I finished!!!!  And, I thought it was a TOUGH course.  One of only two times I've ever gotten blisters running.   It was beautiful.  And well organized.  And one of the best groups of people.  I plan on doing it again, and also doing the fall race in 2020 (couldn't this year due to BFC)

I had one other pretty big SUCCESS during the year and that was my second ultra finish at the Ice Age Trail 50k in May.  I was NOT last this time, and finished in just under 9 hours - so, a significant PR.  It was a great course, but in my opinion definitely not as tough as Ozark Foothills was...mostly due to less elevation and less technical nature of the trail.  It was near my sister and my mom, so once again I had family support - I swear the homemade spaghetti dinner and bread that my sister made the night before was the perfect pre-race meal!  And, some leftover bread was the first thing I ate once out on the trail.  

After that, though, things went off the rails again.  I ended the coaching because I wasn't sticking to it anyways (I may have done this earlier than May, I can't remember - I did ask for a plan and got a nice and basic 50k plan, which I tried to follow but failed miserably)

June included a nice easy 10k where I was fairly consistent and ran reasonably well.  

July I had two races - the first - Dances with Dirt Devil's Lake Half marathon, in my favorite place - Wisconsin - Devil's Lake State Park.  I love this race.  I love Wisconsin.  Even though I was slower this year than previous years, I enjoyed it and felt happy with my race.

July.  Oh July.  Maybe you don't live in an area that gets hot and humid summers, but in July - right around the race - there were record heat waves, specifically in areas like...Kansas...the location of the Psycho Psummer 50k.

I have to take little victories where I can get them, and leading up to this race I absolutely was going to cancel and bail on it.  I didn't want to drive, even though it was only 5-1/2 hours.  I didn't want to even attempt to run in disgusting heat, with warnings out that were basically telling people to stay inside.  But, somewhere deep down I KNEW I had to go because if I couldn't handle a little midwestern/great plains heat, how the hell was I going to survive the Barkley Fall Classic?

So, I went.  And, I technically FINISHED, I only did the 20-miler instead of the 50k I originally signed up for....it took me a little over 7-1/2 hours.  Which, honestly, given the conditions, isn't terrible.  (Please note, all of my times and comments about times are definitely only relevant to MY perspective.  I realize I'm SLOW.  I realize that for some, these times are RIDICULOUSLY slow.  But, whatever.  I know that for me anything under a 20min/mile pace on trails is good for me.  So, with this pace being a little over that, it wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible given the excessive heat.)  

After that race, I took a week off to rest/recover, and on the Friday following the race, July 26, went out for a nice, easy run before work.  I was starting to get a little motivation back and I was READY to GET SERIOUS about Barkley, since it was now just under TWO months away....

And, I hurt my foot/ankle, somehow, on this run.  I was in denial a bit at first.  I went out and tried to do a longer run on Saturday morning and didn't get more than two miles before walking back home.  This SUCKED.  I was like, are you KIDDING ME??  I was just about to really get BACK to TRAINING....

After resting it for a few days...I finally went in and saw a doctor.  Luckily, there wasn't anything majorly wrong, and I still don't know exactly what I did...but, I was basically told to take another week off and take naproxen or ibuprofen.  

There is NOTHING like being told you CAN'T DO SOMETHING to make you want to do it - so, if I wasn't already getting back to WANTING to run, this sure helped.  I started back slowly, and never actually did another long run before Barkley, but at least I was able to get out there and get some miles in.  I did another short race - What the Hill? - where I once again dropped down from the 1/2 marathon I signed up for to the half-a-half...but, I did 9 miles that day .... it was a loop and after I'd completed enough for the half-a-half, asked if I could just do a few more laps but my official time was marked for the half-a-half.

At this point, I shifted my perspective and idea of my "training plan".  Because I'd struggled so much throughout the year, at this point, I simply decided that every morning I was going to try and get up and run - somewhere between 3-5 miles - and go from there.  I ended up running more days in a row, then taking a couple days off - which coincided with days I couldn't run anyways due to my schedule.  I don't know, long term, if this would work.  I still need to get some longer runs in and still need to include some "hard" workouts (hills, speed)....but I do know this helped IMMENSELY with my mindset and overall mental health.

And, before I knew it, it was September 18.  This was the day I packed up the car and headed to Illinois where my boyfriend lives - we would head to Tennessee the next day.

We arrived in Tennessee late Thursday afternoon/early evening.  We went to the hotel, ordered in pizza, and just relaxed - at that point I'd been on the road more or less for two days.

Friday we mostly stuck to my original plans with just a little bit of a time-delay....my sister had driven down from Wisconsin, but stayed overnight on Thursday at Mammoth Cave, so we met up with her later on Friday.  After a late start in the morning, Scott and I headed to Frozen Head State Park.

I feel like I should talk about the mountains, or the scenery, or the area, but my words won't do it justice at all. I've been to many places, and have even been to Tennessee before, but not really to this area.  It was amazing.  The park was amazing.  We spent some time (and money) in the Visitor's Center, then drove a little ways up to Shelter C, where we walked a very short, easy trail - the Interpretive Trail loop.  I noted that it was fairly dry, and the trail itself nice and my main thought was, yeah, if only the whole race would be like this! - Knowing perfectly well it wouldn't be!

After that, we headed to packet pickup in Wartburg.  That's where we met up with my sister, and after a futile attempt to show me how to use a compass, we headed to the Brushy Mountain Distillery - on the site of the old Brushy Mountain State Penitentiary.

Ah, this was fun!  Moonshine tastings!  Great food!  A look at beautiful hills wondering, where is Rat Jaw?  Where will we climb over the prison wall?  Will I even MAKE it this far??  (Spoiler alert - I didn't!)

After a quick walk up to the prison and chatting with some other runners, we headed back to the location of packet pickup for the dinner/movie.  We weren't very hungry, but I ate a bit of the spaghetti, and salad, and definitely the piece of cake, before we headed back to the hotel as the movie started.  Of course, I couldn't go without getting a picture with the mastermind himself, Lazarus Lake (Gary Cantrell).

 One of the things I really wanted was to be well-rested for this race.  But, well, that ship had sailed.  The entire week I hadn't been getting to sleep when I should.  Hadn't been sleeping particularly well, and even though we were back to the hotel at a very reasonable time, I still had things to prep for the next morning.

Side note - I brought my NutriNinja with me!  I had my normal morning smoothie every day except for the day we left...this was important to me as I wanted to try and keep that morning routine consistent...so, the night before I had to make my morning smoothie so I wouldn't be waking up everyone at 3:30 the next morning - the time of my alarm.

The morning went pretty smoothly, other than leaving a bit later than I'd wanted (my fault)....I had posted asking about getting a ride with someone else but then decided to just have Scott take me .... we were in the last batch of cars to enter the parking area, and I had just enough time to use the porta-potties and get my drop bag in the right place.  Lined up in the back, and asked Scott to try and get a picture of Laz lighting the cigarette at the race start.

And, just like that, we were off.  I didn't feel bad.  I didn't feel good.  I don't even know if I felt overly excited.  I think I was just so...drained and overwhelmed after a year of waiting for this...that it was almost...a let down in some way?  I don't know.  I was happy, though, and amazed that I was actually at the start of the Barkley Fall Classic!

The first short stretch is on the park road, up to Big Cove campground area.  I fell pretty far behind here and in hindsight, realize I should have pushed harder since this was some of the easiest ground to cover.  But, tired.  Unsure.  Trying to "pace myself"....and trying to get into the "rhythm" of running...so by the time I hit the trail there weren't too many people ahead or behind me.

Our first stretch was the Bird Mountain Trail.  According to the park map information this is 4.25 miles and "difficult".  Ha.  Ha ha.  It was a lot of climbing.  A lot of switchbacks.  At one point, I started to hear more voices and noticed a back up at a spot...I thought...what?  That can't be an aid station, what's going on?  Well, a large tree had fallen across the trail and people had to climb over it.  It was here that I first started to feel like there was a group of us in the back and we'd end up leap-frogging each other all the way until the Ranger aid station.  I think then we turned onto North Bird Mountain Trail - again, 4.3 miles, "difficult".  There was a part here, though, where I felt good!  I was able to run!  I passed a person or two!  I thought, hey, maybe I have a shot!

Until the next climb!

But, I did keep moving.  I did try.  It was hard because the uphills got me with the breathing/endurance, and the downhills were hard on my legs - of course on this section my legs were mostly still feeling okay, and I'm sure I was faster on these sections than on the next big climb section which would come after the Ranger aid station. 

I don't remember much about this first station (Bald Knob) - I got my bib punched, tried to pick out a few things to eat - stashed a few slim jims into my vest pocket, and continued on...I don't even know for sure what time it was but I was obviously within the time cutoff - there were others that wouldn't make it (19 possibly from the results here) so, hey, I was already ahead of some people, at least!

Apparently the thing about successfully completing the course this year had to do with RUNNING THE EASY downhills!  Ha.  Ha ha.  So, the stretch after the first aid station was downhill, down a gravel/dirt road.  It wasn't so much the gravel that I had trouble with (several of the races I'd done had similar terrain), but my legs (ankles/calves/knees) were definitely feeling the downhill!

I still tried to jog here and there and tried to keep my walking pace up.

Oh, yeah, in case I haven't mentioned it, there is NO GPS allowed for this race!  While I don't really care about all the stats and numbers I'd have access to if I were able to use my Garmin, one thing that was hard for me was trying to judge distance and pace - how far had I gone?  How far did I have to go?  Was I maintaining a reasonable pace?

I almost think that if I'd had a better sense of those things, I might've pushed a little harder and been able to make the cutoff at Tub Springs #1.  But, doesn't matter.  Too bad, so sad, right?  It is what it is.  I had my $10 Casio so at least knew what time it was and knew I had until 12:30 to get to the Ranger Station.

As I came out of the woods and back onto the road that would lead to the Ranger Station, I'd already been thinking about quitting.  Hell, I'd been thinking about it a lot.  I'd be right by the start line, it'd be easy to just stop and go hang out there for awhile.  One odd thing I kept thinking about, though, was my drop bag, sitting up at the Tub Spring aid station, which was the decision point the second time through on whether to go on to 50k or marathon finish.  If I didn't make it to where my drop bag was - when would I get it back?  How long would I have to hang around before they brought them back down?  I certainly didn't want to abandon my Barkley Bag here!

So, as we passed that Shelter C parking lot, I made a quick stop at the restroom that was there (by the way - cleanest restroom I've ever been in at a state park!!) ... just in case I decided to keep going.  At this point I had at least 35-40 minutes before the time cutoff.

As I came out of the parking lot, back onto the road where I had originally veered off, I ended up right behind two women that I'd seen at various points and had passed at some point.  I thought, hmmm....I wonder if they are going to continue...

We got to the aid station and there was definitely people debating and deciding on whether or not to continue.  A list of those (bib numbers) who had dropped hung by the park sign.  Again, I thought, well, if I keep going I'm ahead of all those people....

I filled my water.  I ate a few things.  Heard about how great Sword is, but still didn't opt to try it.  Re-applied bug repellent.  Purell'd my hands.  Listened to one woman say that this wasn't her "A" race and that she'd at least gone farther than the inmate who'd tried to escape and only made it 8 miles...that was enticing logic, I have to be honest, but....the truth was twofold - 1.  10 miles at the Barkley Fall Classic for ME was NOT enough.  It wasn't even half.  Way back in January at Frozen Gnome, I headed out for a third loop because I'd thought, I need to at least get halfway or more!  I hadn't even done a half marathon yet! and 2.  I still felt like I could keep going.  I wasn't dealing with leg cramps like others.  I wasn't puking.  For the most part, I knew I could keep moving forward and I knew that if that was the case then stopping wasn't even an option...

Okay, I guess three-fold - 3.  I wanted to get to my drop bag.

So, I continued on.  Official time says I left the aid station at 12:10....20 minutes ahead of the cutoff.

Almost immediately, I regretted my decision.  SO.  MUCH.  CLIMBING!

This was the Chimney Top Trail.  7.05 miles, "difficult".  No fucking kidding.

This trail was a bit different than Bird Mountain - it seemed to have steeper climbs, maybe less switchbacks?  It also had a few spots where it got sketchy trying to follow the trail.  At one point, I'd followed what looked like a definite path only to come to a sudden halt when it ended.  Luckily, it'd only been a few steps and I backtracked and looked for the next mark on the trees to figure out which way to go.  Some amazing spots on this trail - tall rock formations...I think it was on this trail that I REALLY started having an amazing admiration for those who do the big Barkley - it's one thing to navigate all of this in broad daylight, but in the Barkley Marathons, many of these trails are covered at night.  I can't even imagine, and know I would not be able to do it.  At all.

I'm sure I slowed down on this section.  Not only because of legs starting to hurt, but because of the technical nature of the trail.  I know for some, it may be easy to "run" on this terrain, but for me, one of my main goals was not to fall and break anything...which means I was probably more cautious than most.  Which is, I think, another trait that those who succeed at this have and that is a fearlessness.  In some ways, I like to think I am - but in others, I know I'm not.  I had less of an issue running down the "slippery" gravel road, but when it comes to narrow trails with drop offs, I definitely slow down.

Plus, you know, there was still all the CLIMBING.

I believe the highest point (at least for MY race) was during this Chimney Top Section.

I had to take my phone out, and turn it on to snap this and the following pictures - a chimney on Chimney Top? How fitting.  I wish I'd taken out my phone sooner but was trying to abide by the no tech rule.  I had it on me, but turned off, in case of emergency.

Taking these pictures, though, are probably what made me miss the time cut-off!  I should've listened to the person on the Facebook group that said - NO TIME FOR PICTURES!  You need to keep moving!

 At some point before the Tub Station aid stop, the sweepers came up behind me and another guy...with a couple others behind us...they tried to get us to push to make the time cutoff....but given how far they said we had, and the time...I knew it was unlikely I'd make it.  I didn't completely give up, though, not until the clock actually switched over to 3:30pm....

I crossed into the aid station about 5-6 minutes after that...too late to be allowed to continue.

At the time, I didn't think much of it.  I really wanted to get my bib punched to show I'd made it that far, but they'd already switched over to only punch for those coming through the second time, and now, I realize my request was sort of stupid.  But, whatever.  I found my drop bag, verified which way I had to go (it was pretty obvious, but still)...and after filling water and grabbing a few things from the food table, I started my "easy" trek down "quitter's road".

Quitter's Road...yeah, this was supposed to be "easy" ha ha ha ha ha

South Old Mac Trail is supposedly only 2.7 miles of "moderate" trail, and a bit of an "easy" section at the end (Old Mac Trail .30 miles), before you come out at the Shelter C parking lot.  Ha.  Yeah.  Easy.  The only reason it was easy was because it was "downhill" but at that point, that wasn't easy for me.  I thought it'd be smart to carry my drop bag down with me, but I quickly wished I'd just left it up at the top.  It wasn't unreasonably heavy, but it was a little awkward to carry it for what ends up being about 3+ miles.... 

I think this was on South Old Mac Trail, don't remember.

So, I trudged down the mountain.  By this point, I had turned my phone on and had texted my sister and boyfriend that I was on my way back.  I don't know exactly when I hit Shelter C but it probably was around 5:30ish?  We dawdled there in the parking lot a bit, I used the restroom, put my drop bag in the car, and we headed the rest of the way to the finish line, arriving pretty close to 6pm - 11 hours after I'd started.  Even though I was pretty sure they knew I'd been DNF'd at the aid station, I wanted to make sure, plus...there was food there!

We ate, hung out a little, then back to the hotel.  

I (not consciously) avoided social media immediately after, mostly because there were other things to do, but when I finally got back on and checked out some of the posts on Facebook....I started to have even more conflicted feelings about this race.

When I finished, I told my sister and Scott that I did not want to do it again next year.  But, then, later, I said, well, maybe in 2021...IF I keep running and IF I work harder....I believe I could at least get farther and get the marathon finish....and no matter what people say, or even Laz thinks, that would be a huge success for me.

Which leads me to those conflicted feelings I have about this race.  I understand this race isn't like other races.  I understand that this race wasn't created to coddle runners and I totally get the mentality that anything but a 50k finish is failure....but....

EVERYONE NEEDS TO JUST RUN THEIR OWN DAMN RACE!

Don't try and tell others what to feel or what is a success or failure to them.  I DNF'd after going 21 miles (6,263 feet of elevation gain!) on some of the "toughest" for ME trails I've ever been on - and yes, I was under-trained and I'm sure there were runners on the wait-list that would've been "better" than I was...

But.  Fuck that.  I paid my money.  I showed up.  I started.  And I did what I could.  Could I have done more?  Maybe.  Did I do more than some?  Absolutely.  Did I "fail"?  Yes, and no.  Yes, I failed at finishing, but no, I didn't fail because I did more than I ever thought I would or could.

And, yes, I get that this isn't the type of race to do with this type of mentality, but again, don't really care.  Just go run your own damn race.

ONE THING - or rather TWO THINGS - that I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH in regards to what's been posted on social media is - FOLLOW THE DAMN RULES!  Yes, I had my phone with me, but it was off.  I was NOT TRACKING anything.  Apparently, there were people who did.  And, second, IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO START, just DROP so someone else can have the spot!!

When I hurt my foot/ankle, I debated A LOT about dropping.  I figured, oh, there's other more "worthy" runners on the wait-list.  I thought, I can't do it.  I shouldn't even bother.  Shouldn't even try.  I was just about to - I had even written an email asking if all I had to do was click "cancel" on UltraSignUp.  I'd sent an email to my previous coach letting her know that I was going to drop.

But, I didn't.  Because I didn't sign up to drop out.  I signed up to attempt the Barkley Fall Classic, and I did just that.  I now KNOW what I would need to do to finish it. And I have an experience I will never forget!

I think it will make any other race I attempt seem "easy".  I think it will help me become a better runner, and if the plan I'm now formulating in my mind comes to fruition - I WILL go back and finish.

But only if I WANT it.  Only if it means something.  And, quite frankly, after another year of trail running, maybe it WON'T mean anything.  Maybe it'll just be another race and considering there are so many amazing options out there, maybe it's not worth the time/energy to go back.  Maybe there are other challenges that will be just as meaningful to me as going back to Frozen Head.  Maybe I take my sister's advice, and forget trail RACES and just go hike.

Honestly, I don't know.  I know what I want to do next year - and it doesn't include BFC - but beyond that....I certainly wouldn't rule out another trip to Wartburg....if I get so lucky as to win the lottery twice in a lifetime! :)

What I have to show for my attempt - lots of moonshine but only a few punches...if you finished the 50k, it would say "I'm a winner" but if you only finished the marathon "I'm a wiener"...I didn't get either.

I mapped the trail route afterwards on alltrails.com - since I never made it to the off-trail parts, all I did was on Frozen Head State Park trails - which I highly recommend if you're ever out that way!